Night wakes: when to respond, when to wait, and how to decide without guilt

You know the sound.

That sudden cry at 2:41am that slices through your half-dream and jolts you upright.

Do you run in? Wait a minute? Google it again?

There’s no one-size-fits-all rule when it comes to night wakes and anyone who tells you otherwise probably isn’t factoring in your baby’s age, temperament, or the kind of week you’ve just had.

So let’s break it down properly, with nuance, not pressure.

Newborns (0–3 months): always respond

At this stage, night wakes are expected, normal, and necessary.

Newborns wake because they need something like food, comfort, a nappy change, or just your presence. Their sleep cycles are short and light, and they haven’t yet developed the ability to self-settle.

There’s no “training” here, just responding.

If your baby’s waking, they need you. Full stop. No guilt. No games. Just go in.

4–6 months: some waiting, but with care

This is where it starts to get murky and where a lot of parents feel pulled between instincts and all the noise online.

Around 4 months, babies start developing more mature sleep cycles and may begin to link sleep cycles on their own. But not always. And not consistently. And definitely not without support.

If your baby wakes crying:

• Give it 1–2 minutes if you can. They might resettle.

• If they escalate, respond - you’re not creating “bad habits,” you’re building trust.

At this age, a pause isn’t neglect. It’s information gathering.

But if in doubt? Go in. You’re not getting it wrong.

6–12 months: know your baby, trust your gut

Here’s where the “should I wait?” questions get louder, especially if you've started feeding less overnight or exploring sleep strategies.

Some babies at this age can resettle on their own. Some need a check-in. Some are going through teething, illness, separation anxiety, or developmental leaps and will genuinely need you multiple times a night.

Our take?

There’s value in a short pause to assess if you feel calm enough to do it.

But responding is never failing.

You are not a sleep crutch. You are a parent.

Toddlers (1–3 years): night wakes are rarely “just about sleep”

By now, night wakes often have more to do with emotion than biology.

Your toddler might be overtired, overstimulated, anxious, or adjusting to change. Or they just remembered you exist and want to make sure you still do.

Some questions to ask yourself before responding:

• Is this a pattern or a one-off?

• Are they distressed or just awake?

• Have we made any big changes lately e.g. daycare, siblings, travel, illness?

You might try a longer pause here a few minutes (we used to set an actual timer because 1min feels like 10mins) to see if they’re just shifting or really need support.

But guilt still doesn’t belong here. You’re allowed to check, comfort, set limits, and go back to bed.

The guilt trap: why we need to let it go

If you wait too long, you feel cruel.

If you go in too soon, you feel like you’ve “ruined” something.

You haven’t.

There is no perfect response time, only patterns over time, and how they work for your child and your family.

Here’s the truth:

Sometimes, going in right away will get everyone back to sleep faster.

Sometimes, waiting 90 seconds is the thing that helps your baby link their sleep cycle.

Sometimes, none of it works and you just survive the night.

That’s parenting.