Why it’s normal to grieve your old life (and still love your kids)

You love your kids.

That’s never been in question.

But maybe… you miss your old self too.

The version of you that got to sleep in. Or be spontaneous. Or just pee with the door closed.

Maybe you miss feeling like a full person (goodness knows I do). You are not just a snack-fetching, meltdown-managing, logistics machine with love in your chest and Weet-Bix on your jeans.

Let’s say it out loud:

You can love your kids and still grieve the life you had before them.

Both can be true. And neither makes you a bad parent. 🫶

What grief actually looks like in parenting

It’s not loud sobbing (though sometimes, it is).

It’s subtle. It’s slow. It creeps in during quiet moments or roars in when you’re burnt out.

Grief might sound like:

• “I miss feeling free.”

• “I don’t recognise myself anymore.”

• “I just want one day where I’m not needed.”

• “Everything feels like a chore.”

• “I love them, but I miss me.”

Grief might show up as resentment, rage, numbness, or a longing so deep it surprises you. There are days when my husband and I need to look each other in the eyes and remind ourselves that we wanted this life. We call those days “weekends” 😅

Why parenting grief happens

Having a child is one of the biggest identity shifts you’ll ever go through but we don’t frame it that way.

We call it “a blessing” or “a gift,” but we don’t talk about how it rewrites your entire existence.

Your time, your body, your freedom, your priorities, your relationships - they all shift.

It’s okay to feel the weight of that. It doesn’t mean you regret your child. It means you’re human.

What helps (without pretending this is easy)

1. Name the loss.

Say it out loud. Write it down. Share it with someone who gets it.“I miss who I was when I wasn’t responsible for keeping someone else alive.” That’s not selfish. That’s honest.

2. Stop grading your grief.

It doesn’t matter if you have “a good sleeper” or “healthy kids.”

Grief isn’t reserved for trauma. It comes with change, even beautiful ones. Never forget that.

3. Find micro-moments of your old self.

You don’t need a weekend away (or maybe you do?). Sometimes you just need 20 minutes of music that isn’t the Bluey soundtrack and a coffee you didn’t reheat three times.

4. Talk to your partner, and assume they’re feeling it too.

So many couples grieve silently, next to each other. Say it out loud. “Do you miss anything from before? What would you bring back, even for a day?”

5. Let joy and grief sit side-by-side.

Because they do.

Because you can love your kids fiercely and still miss dancing till 2am or watching a movie without being interrupted 12 times.

You’re still in here.

The fun, complex, spontaneous version of you didn’t disappear, you are just buried under a pile of unfolded laundry and “Can I have a snack?”

You don’t need to bounce back.

You just need to feel seen and maybe reclaim five percent at a time.

Parenting is not just about raising kids. It’s about not losing yourself in the process.

Want to know what I do sometimes? I have a Yawn chat about me as a parent... I'll type something like: "Give me a pep talk. Hype me up, massively. I need it right now." And it delivers.