The mental load of parenting, and why it’s not just “in your head”

You know that feeling when your partner says, “Just tell me what you need me to do,” and you want to scream?

That’s the mental load.

It’s not just remembering the school hat, booking the vaccinations, or knowing which sippy cup is cracked. It’s the invisible spreadsheet in your brain running 24/7, and it’s why you're tired even when no one’s physically touched you in 11 minutes (a parenting record, honestly. At least in my household anyway).

So what exactly is the mental load?

It’s the planning, tracking, remembering, deciding, anticipating, and feeling of it all.It’s:

• Noticing the nappies are running low

• Remembering that your toddler’s been extra clingy lately (leap? illness? vibes?)

• Wondering if they’ve eaten enough iron this week

• Prepping for the 2-year-old vaccines because you know there’ll be a meltdown

• Noticing that the baby monitor is glitchy and mentally adding “check warranty” to your to-do list, which lives in your head, of course, because no one else is across it.

It’s not about who does more.

It’s about who does the thinking, the anticipating, and the worrying.

You’re not imagining it. It’s real, and it’s heavy.

Research backs this up: the mental load falls disproportionately on mums (moms, for our USA readers) and whoever is primary carer. And because it’s invisible, it often goes unacknowledged until you’re burnt out, snapping at your partner, or crying in the pantry. I once heard something, probably on an insta reel, that said women are typically the project managers of the household. It's not something we necessarily asked for, and it's not always the case, but it's something my husband and I actually needed to sit down and talk about. That really helped.

So what else helps?

There’s no magic fix. But there are ways to offload — without having to become the manager of your own delegation:

• Externalise it. If it’s always in your head, it’s always your job. Use a shared app, whiteboard, or even a sticky note system. This isn't about me, but hubby and I literally sat down, mapped out all the decisions on my plate and to-do-list (from laundry and dinners, to cleaning the dishwasher filter...) and split it up to things he could take off my plate today and long term. I don't mind owning running our house, sometimes I just needed initiative when he was looking for direction. Externalising helped.

• Swap roles for a day. Let your partner or co-carer run the show - socks, snacks, tantrums and all. Not to prove a point (okay, maybe a little) but to build awareness and empathy.

• Talk about the thinking, not just the doing. “It’s not just that I packed the bag it’s that I knew we’d need snacks, tissues, nappies, sunscreen and a distraction toy.”

• Use tools that lighten the load. Yes, like Ask Yawn. We designed it to catch the questions you’re carrying around in your head. You type the thing, the worry, the confusion, the random banana-bedtime question and it asks back, gives a clear, tailored answer, and takes one decision off your plate.

TL;DR

You’re not overthinking. You’re carrying a lot.And the more we name it, the less we have to carry alone.

It’s not “just in your head.”

But even if it is? That’s where the overwhelm lives and that’s reason enough to take it seriously.

You're doing more than enough.

And now, you’ve got Yawn to help carry a little bit too, if you want.